The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
You Might Also Like
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Rambo Rambow
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.