Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
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HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
was Jim off killing horses or…
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.