Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
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[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!