My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
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Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.