[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
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When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.