*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
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Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
dutch so unserious
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*