Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
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We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?