Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
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Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
he was correct
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Who says great literature is dead?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.