Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
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[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.