Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
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My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
this is literally a CIA plant
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here