He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
You Might Also Like
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.