My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
You Might Also Like
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms