My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
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me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Genius idea!!
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.