I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
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Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
normalize having existential bread
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
79.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap