I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
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Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
this is uni
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Van Gone
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys