My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
My wedding will be open casket.
me hitting on a model
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed