*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
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Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see