*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
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Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe