Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
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Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
You know…for fall…
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row