[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
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Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.