Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
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“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Saturday
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.