There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
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*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
wtf is an acronym
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face