A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
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One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
happy friday
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”