If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
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My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
#MeanwhileinCanada
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves