Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
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Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Finally, an explanation.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.