pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
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me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.