Mad Max: Furry Road
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Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even