Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
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Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking