Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
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When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
accurate
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.