Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
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Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!