Come back with a warrant
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Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.