Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
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I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
wow he looks just like him
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.