Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
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*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun