Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
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Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
i’m still crying at this
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions