I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
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“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.