Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
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i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My favorite farside!!
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread