uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
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*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio