Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
You Might Also Like
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!