@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
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Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I enjoy a good short stor
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance