wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
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You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.