When you let grandma cat sit
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WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic