Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
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Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.