You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
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Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
lol
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink