Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
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Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.