My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
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2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day