I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
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My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…