We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
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If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
the official breakfast of 2021