After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
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#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Ah..makes sense now
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.