I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
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I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Spring of Deception
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me