fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
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There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
wtf is an acronym
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Salad is the decaf of food.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it